Anger outbursts are extremely unpleasant. That is for the one experiencing and for the one that is observing it. It is for that reason that many sufferers seek tips for anger management in an attempt to help them manage and control these seemingly uncontrollable raging outbursts.
In this article I will define the problem, provide coping tools and offer more resources for those that wish to learn more about anger management. For some people anger is a very ingrained type of emotion. It is interesting to note that if you watch a newborn baby, you might conclude that anger is perhaps the very first emotion we are exposed to as humans.
For some people though, anger is part of their lifestyle in which, both, expressing it and suppressing it, is problematic. What lies beneath the anger? For a start, people with anger issues, often have very rigid views about people and the world. Here are some examples:
- All people are idiots
- I am the cleverest person in my family/work
- People are out there to harm me
- All women are lousy drivers
- Most people are mean at the core and don’t like to see someone else succeed and do well
These perceptions about the world, seem to serve a certain defensive purpose but in reality they keep the anger intact. Another part of the personality make-up of those with anger issues is a blame-mentality.
This means that they hardly take responsibility for their behavior. They fault and blame others and make them feel that they caused them to get angry. Another force is the revenge-urge. If for example a driver cuts them off, then there is a sudden urge to ‘show them’ or to ‘even the score’. Generally speaking, it is easy to pick up the angry person’s belief patterns as they are often repeated.
Are you willing to change? If you are the person with the anger issue, then acknowledging that you have an anger problem is step nr 1. As long as the responsibility is being put onto others and it is they who need to stop winding you up, it will be impossible to expect any major shifts.
Here is an idea: People that get angry, tend to communicate in a way that doesn’t appeal to others. When people feel attacked, they tend to either attack back or get defensive. The antidote to anger is not calmness. The antidote to anger is assertiveness. You can and should state what you feel, but you will be communicating it in a way that will actually increase the chances of being heard and understood!
It is very important for you to know that change can be achieved. And it does not include beating yourself up and criticising yourself for ‘how you used to be’.
Myth
It was once commonly accepted that lashing out has some therapeutic effect and if you get your anger out by raging and expressing your fury, it will be beneficial for everyone. However, those with anger challenges will usually testify to the fact that the act of anger actually intensifies the anger instead of reducing it!
These days, therapists speak a lot about expressing feelings but that doesn’t give the right nor does it mean to lash out at people and besides it will make you more angry.See the video below how renowned anger management specialist Dr. Christian Conte shares 5 keys to controlling your anger.
Coping tools
- This coping tool can turn your anger around. Now that you’ve acknowledged that you have an anger problem and that you are taking responsibility for it, find a quiet place to focus
- Take one of your inner talks (which you perhaps also express when you get angry) such as (ex.); Everyone is stupid
- Note that ‘everyone’ applies to the entire world and ‘stupid’ is a harsh term – so let’s try to soften it
- You can soften it to Maybe not everyone is stupid but some people do get on my nerves at times
- Look at statements that contain words such as; everyone, everywhere, nobody, nowhere, never, everything, nothing
- Then add exceptions to your absolute statements such as; Some people are getting on my nerves today. Perhaps I should turn to those people that I trust a little more today and keep away from those that trigger me negatively
- In your life, seek out and notice those exceptions so that you can dispute your own absolute rules that have only fueled your anger. There are great people around and sometimes it takes time and patience to find them, and some days they might not be in my immediate surrounding
- Finally put it all together in an affirmation – There are days when people at work get on my nerves. I will aim to remember in those moments that there are great people out there whom I fully trust and enjoy being with. The more difficult ones are not worth getting upset over
This is an example how you can change your inner dialogue from angry self-talk to a more supportive self-talk. These affirmations will serve to self-sooth rather than self-aggravating. If you find it difficult to do this exercise on your own, having a therapist help you become aware of your self-talk and help you change it, could be very helpful. Online-therapy is a great way to get easy assistance with changing thinking patterns of angry thoughts and behaviors to calmer ones.
You can also practice mindfulness to help you calm the anger outbursts. Read here one simple way to make use of mindfulness.
Anger management hypnosis is a download that has been used by over 4000 people to help them manage their anger and control their emotions. Listeners have reported that listening to this audio has helped them to;
- feel more relaxed and ‘laid back’ in general
- less likely to be aroused to anger
- increased ability to self-sooth when feeling that the anger is starting up
- a clearer mind even in frustrating moments
- a feeling of being more in control of themselves
- improved relationships
Try it out and listen to the audio on the free app that you can download. Enjoy relaxing 🙂
If you have any questions or comments, please get in touch at getcopingtools@gmail.com
